Is something wrong with me? Am I good enough? Have you ever asked yourself these questions?

My life has never been easy, and fitting in was something I strived for but never experienced. I have always been neurodivergent, socially anxious and spiritually gifted. Since nobody recognized these traits in me, I didn’t understand that most people were not like me. Since I was adopted at birth and told I was white when I’m actually Indigenous, these questions have popped up in my mind over and over all my life. That’s why in my 30s I got support and began my journey toward self-love and self-acceptance… indeed, back to who I know myself to be.

If you live with trauma, grief or chronic illness, or if nobody in your life understands you, it’s easy to get pulled off centre and to feel like something is inherently wrong with you or that you are not good enough. I didn’t actually love myself until my 30s, after beginning my healing journey and finding a way to live with my trauma and grief. I believed I was unworthy of love, so I needed to learn how to love myself, and I needed to keep growing that self-love.

When people don’t get you or hold space for you, it doesn’t mean something is inherently wrong with you. It just means colonization has such a hold on them that they can’t see past “normal,” whatever that even is.

It can take a lot of patience and self-compassion, and often support, to come to a place of loving and accepting yourself in this colonized society, especially if you’re a little off the beaten path. The journey is beautiful though because you get to know yourself in deeper ways than you may have imagined.

So What’s the Key to Self-Acceptance and Self-Love?

YOU. Yes, it sounds simple and might even feel impossible… but it is true. If society keeps showing you that you don’t belong or something is wrong with you, it’s not your fault, but you are the one who has the power to change those beliefs, and to love yourself, and you deserve a boatload of support in doing so.

Since colonization is based on you always needing approval, the best way to love yourself is to decolonize your life, to back away from what you “should” be or do and find ways to come home to YOU.

YOU are a unique expression of life itself.

YOU were not born by mistake.

And YOU are the one who can share your gifts and be who you are in this lifetime. That said, it’s not about putting pressure on yourself. It’s about holding space for the hurt parts of yourself and letting all parts of you know they are loved and that you accept them. Heck, I’m not all the way there yet but I keep working on it and I love and accept most of me most of the time. You don’t need to go for perfection here. Just baby steps.

We can all start from wherever we are. By the way, half or more of the people you see smiling on the outside don’t love themselves fully or accept who they’ve become. Colonization has done a number on us all. If there’s anything to detox from your system, it’s colonization.

I acknowledge that I have had a lot of privilege in my life growing up with my white adoptive parents until they died in my teens, and just being white-passing has given me privilege I was unware of for many years. I also have intersectional experiences of the exact opposite, like having disabilities, being Indigenous but gaslit into believing I was white, and being a bereaved mother.

I still struggle sometimes with self-acceptance and thinking something must be wrong with me on the inside, like I don’t deserve to have a good life. With practice and support, that struggle has shifted, and I can usually stop the “I’m not good enough” and “something’s wrong with me” in their tracks before they do me damage now. Let me show you a few things that have helped me along the way to love and accept myself more fully for who I am.

How to Grow Your Self-Love and Self-Acceptance

First off, I just want to tell you that you are worthy of love and acceptance. No matter what you’ve been told in the past or present, no matter what beliefs got embedded into your mind, you are worthy.

Hold space for fear, doubt and shame. It’s certainly not easy to be with all that but it’s with you anyway and running on autopilot, so you might as well grab the wheel. I don’t mean you have to be willing to sit in a swirling sea of fear, doubt or shame. You just need to notice it, so you know what it looks like when it shows up. Then when those feelings and beliefs get in your way, you can begin to recognize them before they take hold of you, and instead show yourself some love.

Journaling. I find journaling to be a powerful way to find my own answers and to feel what I need to feel. Here are a few questions, journal prompts, to help you grow your self-love and accept yourself more fully.

What are you willing and able to do that you haven’t tried yet, to change how you feel about yourself? It doesn’t have to be some huge leap. Baby steps over time are sometimes actually MORE effective, especially for folks carrying trauma.

What are you willing and able to STOP doing or believing, to improve your life? Some things we can’t control, but some things we can. We can control at least some of our responses to situations, and with support we can manage trauma responses and grief over time. That can help you to feel more of a sense of inner authority and self-sovereignty.

What is the easiest part of you to love? That inner 5-year-old? Your smile? The sound of your voice? The way you make people laugh? Start there.

Give your brain evidence that you are loveable. Repetition is key. I often tell my clients to make your thoughts, beliefs and evidence about the way you want to experience your life BIGGER and LOUDER than those other voices in your head that tell you you’re not good enough or something is wrong with you. Compliment yourself. Hug yourself. Tell yourself what an awesome person you are.

Do what lights you up and surround yourself with people who light you up. After getting long covid, to protect my health, I had to give up a lot of what bought me joy, especially after a 2nd infection made it a lot worse. I have a list of what lights me up and updated it, so in case I’m feeling awful, I can still find ways to cheer myself up and come back to myself.

One more thing.

When is the last time you looked into the mirror and told yourself you love yourself? 

My very first therapist in the 90s gave that to me as homework. I did not love myself. I thought I wasn’t good enough. I was being abused, I was depressed after losing my parents, and I had no idea how to love myself.

I looked at myself and looked away. More than once. I couldn’t believe how hard it was just to say those words to myself.

It is such a gift to do this practice. It might feel silly or hard at first. That’s okay. Don’t give up. If you do give up, get back at it as soon as you can and don’t beat yourself up for getting off track.

I got to a moment where I was able to look myself in the eye and say “Brenda, I love you.” I didn’t believe it right away, but with practice, it started to sink in. I still struggle sometimes to love all parts of myself, especially when the chronic pain hits me hard, or when the long COVID stops me from being able to think.

Still, I choose to love and accept myself the best I can from moment to moment, and there are far more of those moments now than when I started. There might be days or moments where I feel down on myself, but I don’t give up on me and that is the key. So what are you waiting for? Get in front of a mirror and try it out. You are worth it.

Love & Blessings,

Brenda MacIntyre, Medicine Song Woman

RESOURCES:

• Want to dive right in and get some support? Head over here.

FOLLOW ME ON SPOTIFY – MUSIC FOR DIFFICULT TIMES:

• Follow My Artist Account on Spotify.
• Follow my Global Pandemic Playlist on Spotify. The studio (CD, not live) version of the songs I sang in the livestreamed concert are also in this playlist.
• Follow the RENEWAL Playlist for springtime on Spotify