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Pain is Not The Real Problem: The Hidden Truth about Pain, Grief and Trauma

Grief & Loss | 0 comments

When it comes to pain, women are like cats.

My cat Pixie has been dealing with a skin infection ever since May this year. At first I didn’t even know anything was wrong… because cats and women are similar in how they deal with pain.

You will rarely know when they are hurting because they hide their pain so well.

If nobody knows we are hurting, then how can we get help?

Pixie kept his pain from me but once he had visible open wounds and was obsessively licking them, I was able to get help for him. It’s been a long haul of finding what works and we still don’t definitively know what’s wrong, but he’s almost back to being himself, thanks to a couple of remedies suggested by a holistic vet.

Unfortunately, right now during one of the most stressful times of our lives, the pain most of us empaths and women are carrying is invisible to all but the most intuitive and observant, and even then, we’re still far too good at hiding it.

Society has trained us to put our grief and trauma aside and carry on as if everything is normal, but during this global health crisis, which is anything but normal, all that grief, trauma and pain has been calling for your attention and meanwhile, anything that triggers you is poking at that pain to amplify it.

Pain is NOT the real problem. You know what the real problem is that hides underneath all the pain, grief and trauma?


Once we have a way forward, we so often resist taking the steps to getting appropriate support and relief for the pain.

Here’s how to outfox resistance:

Step 1: Step out of the resistance loop and start holding space for yourself to get the support and downtime you deserve.

Step 2: Say no to the people you love when your body, mind or heart are making you feel at odds with saying yes. Your intuition knows. Your body will give you signals but if you don’t listen, those signals will get louder and more uncomfortable. Don’t tough it out. FEEL it out. What does your body say? How about your heart? Act accordingly.

Step 3: Admit to yourself that sometimes you’re the one who needs support – we all do at some point!

Step 4: ASK for help. I know. Scary for many of us. Maybe it’s as simple as asking your friend for some advice. Maybe it’s asking trusted friends for recommendations. Maybe it’s praying for healing, or trying to find just the right mentor, healer or online community to support you on your journey. At some point, you need to ASK for the support.

Step 5: Let yourself actually receive the help. When that help shows up in an unexpected way or through an unexpected person (and it often does!), your intuition kicks in and quietly hints that this is a good solution for you. Most times your ego-mind will have a comeback like “nah, that won’t work” or “I would never do that!” The Universe sends help all the time. We just don’t always pick it up and use it.

So why wouldn’t we accept the help that comes our way? Yep. RESISTANCE.

HOT TIP: If you hit up on resistance, it’s a great time to journal until you find out WHY you’re resisting things getting better. I literally have a resistance journal, which is where I write when I feel stuck or when I know I’m avoiding something that’s great for me. There’s always some kind of payoff – usually unconscious – or we wouldn’t let resistance take over.

Without taking these steps, you end up suffering in silence, and believing that nobody gets you or understands what you’re going through. There is great relief sometimes just in knowing that someone gets you. That relief is your in-door that will lead you to more relief if you allow it.

Just like Pixie, who kept licking his wounds thinking he was helping himself but instead making things worse, sometimes we need to STOP and then take these steps.

You know what actually makes people feel like they are the only one living through something?

We’ve all been conditioned to become self-advertisers over social media and who wants to put themselves out there at their worst? Like… Look at me, feeling so drained that I wish I could stay in bed all day (or oops I did and am still in my jammies).. Nope.

Social media has been literally flooded with people who are living through their personal experience of this global health crisis. But you don’t go through their posts thinking something is wrong with THEM, do you?

The problem is, you look at all those posts and think, wow, they all have such great lives. There has to be something wrong with ME.

I hope you will step out of the loop – and keep stepping out any time you get pulled back in.

It takes a lot of courage, patience and self-compassion and you can do it.

If you want some support along the way, we’ve got some resources for you below.

Love & Blessings,

Brenda MacIntyre, Medicine Song Woman



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About Brenda MacIntyre

About Brenda MacIntyre

Known by her indigenous name Medicine Song Woman, Brenda MacIntyre has shared her evocative melodic voice and fusion of reggae, rap and indigenous hand drum healing music with appreciative audiences of 30 to 3,000 across North America. The Toronto-based Juno Award-winning singer has been featured nationally on MuchMusic, CTV, CP24, APTN and most recently, Global and the front page of the Toronto Star.

Powered by her grief from losing her son to murder in 2016, Brenda MacIntyre pours her soulful voice over a confluence of indigenous hand drum healing, soft rap and conscious roots reggae in her album “Picking Up the Pieces,” released in September 2019.

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